12.28.2014

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2014!!!

Our Christmas list distribution costs have skyrocketed in the past few years, and rather than pass on those costs to you, our esteemed customer--er, friends and family, we instead looked for ways to cover those costs while still bringing you the highest quality content in our annual holiday product offering.

We're confident you'll never know the difference™!





This Christmas card is sponsored by The Utah Association of Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeons


CRAZY COUPLE MARRIES, HAS SIX KIDS ... 
YOU'VE GOTTA SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

This year sets itself apart from previous years in that somehow no children were born to us!


Find out how!




Woo's never been more attractive or more gainfully employed, thanks to working a new fulltime job (20% of the time in a real office!) for a startup that aims to take over the world....


of cloud storage.


This company was bought by another company which makes him a "company man" twice over.



In other endeavors, he's spent his entire life savings on a crummy, dilapidated rental property. 



Beautiful vacation home for rent. You deserve a break. 
Why not make it tomorrow?

He discovered the joys of cheap Chinese made quadrocopters,


Use coupon code THISISFORMENOTMYKIDS for 7% off!


Maintained his girlish figure via the All Stress Diet (patent pending) and made heads turn in his service as Elders Quorum President, winning such reviews as:



"I'm happy to see you don't take this too seriously." - The Bishop 
"You're the Elder's Quorum President?!?" - Stake High Council Member

and


"No really, who is the President?" - Chelsey




Chelsey has been busy attending to the needs of her 7 childlike cohabitants, and writing a novel.



Click here to preorder your copy today, 
before prices go up--or she gives up!

She doesn't look a day over 37 thanks to this one crazy trick!!

Yes, she drinks a shotful of olive oil every day.


In other efforts, she's killed off at least one person with an accidental "death date entry" on FamilySearch (and has a much greater appreciation for the difficulty of resurrection).



She spent several hours cooking avocado-coconut fries, teaches the 16-18 year old girls in our church and generally holds all things together while maintaining her dignity (see photo above).



1001 recipes that are NOT avocado-coconut fries!




Ruby is 10 years old. She's been endowed with all the good qualities of her father: thrift, aversion to manual hair maintenance and closed mouth chewing, stubbornness, and entrepreneurship.



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From her mother she's inherited spelling bee savoir faire, competitive individual sports, and reading. 



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She's also picked up some skills unmatched by either parent, such as sneaking (barely), befriending special needs kids, dressing up like Harry Potter, and instigating riots among her siblings so she can subsequently demonstrate her excellent peacemaking abilities.





Herbie is 78 years old this year. Other than his aching back, cataracts, interest in older women, "allergies" to things he conveniently doesn't like, his 7 o' clock bedtime, and reading choices (Edgar Rice Burroughs, Mark Twain, The World at War), he's probably 70 years younger than he acts.



Order "How To Act Thrice Your Age" now 
and we'll include a 3rd Grade joke book free!

He's made a strong showing in debate, wax medium art, and wax medium art removal.


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He's got a heart of gold,


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And wants to play football. When not wooing the recess lady, or his teacher, or sixth graders, he plays flys up with Moses. He loves Cub Scouts, offers to help classmates with multiplication tables and takes over for Dad when Dad isn't home (or within earshot).





Moses is either 6 or almost 1 1/2, depending on how you count. He's put on a lot of muscle mass thanks to his expertly-crafted, sugary, butter-laden grain supplements.



Use coupon code THINSLICESPLEASEANDGOEASYONTHESUGAR! 
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He's a real wizard in awkward, quasi-martial-artsy body movements. Hedging his mad self-defense skills and imposing physique, he's also pioneered "body guard" building and trained several padawans in that skill.



Watch "The Body Guard" now on Netflix!


Would-be attackers don't stand a chance. He even conquered Satan by doing his chores without whining. Once.


His only weaknesses are decks with protruding nails and water over waist-deep.


We interrupt this semi-regularly scheduled email to bring you a taste of the refreshing, all-natural, gluten-free, 




Linus is still the most enchanting kid in town (quite literally) due to his sweet smile, broken leg hobbling and Tiny Tim voice--well, and the local demography ;). He made headlines (in our house) for learning to ride his bike the fastest of any kid yet.

Linus is making important realizations like, "If it tastes good, it's not healthy," and "I want things that taste good, thanks," and "No, carrots can't be healthy!"


14 health foods that will make your jaw drop!


He's our self proclaimed "cleanest eater" (originally coined by his dad). He lives by strong routines. If he ran the world, he'd be 16, have a drivers license, and go by the name of Peyton.





Penelope is a mom. Her name is Betsy. Her name is also Chelsey. Or Miss Nelson. Or Miss Viola Swamp. Her eyes can open as big as her head when she's excited... which is whenever she's awake.



Find arrest records or missing person 
reports for Miss Nelson!


Penelope won't eat beans, rice, salad, spinach or soup. But sometimes Betsy will. Like most moms, she wears her clothes and shoes backwards and plays in the closet. Like most kids, she makes beds, puts babies in cribs, and sets tables everywhere she goes. She has a baby named Archie and a baby named Bounce.



Enjoy fresh, soft, chemically-engineered, outdoor-smelling laundry with Bounce™!




Archie is, by all accounts, a baby. He likes smallish, round things. He likes putting smallish, round things in his nose.



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30 day money back guarantee! 


Archie calls Penelope "mom," and will lie down and nap for her. He sometimes says "I bad guy," then laughs. Other times he is a bad guy while he surreptitiously hunts for powdered foods such as Kool-aid™, flour, oats or freshly-trashed foods from the garbage.



Use coupon code ETCHIEBAWD for 3% off our next email! 


He is no longer in a crib or high chair and is working on his escape from diapers. Unlike all other kids his age, he likes cars and trucks and candy and footwear.



Learn the top 10 things diaper companies 
don't want you to know! 


We've had a great year, and look forward to many more! We wish we could see all of you in person and wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!



Figgy pudding--free delivery! 

Love,
Woo, Cheltz, Ruby, Herbie, Moses, Linus, Penelope and Archie

Typed on the all new iPhone 6, our fastest, and best, and most dented phone yet--on the crummy, but extremely affordable (thanks BYUI!), Sprint network. 


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